How to be Hispanic (From the Perspective of a Stereotypical Hater)

So the other day, I read the poem Girl, by Jamaica Kincaid. It's basically a "how to" poem that says how to be the "perfect" girl. It inspired me to write my own poem (that, and the fact that it is a required assignment for my high school English class), modeled after Kincaid's style, except I decided to give the poem my own personal twist: how to be Hispanic. My parents were born in Argentina and I grew up with the Hispanic language and culture, so this piece focuses on the stereotypes that people have in this country regarding the Hispanic/Latino population.

Here is an excerpt from the ending of the poem so that you can get the general gist of her style:

"...this is how to bully a man; this is how a man bullies you; this is how to love a man; and if this doesn't work there are other ways, and if they don't work don't feel too bad about giving up; this is how to spit up in the air if you feel like it, and this is how to move quick so that it doesn't fall on you; this is how to make ends meet; always squeeze bread to make sure it's fresh; but what if the baker won't let me feel the bread?; you mean to say that after all you are really going to be the kind of woman who the baker won't let near the bread?"

There are some pretty harsh stereotypes included here. Just know that I do NOT agree with most of them, since that would be like insulting myself. I sincerely hope that nobody takes offense to anything I have written, as this was not my intention, and if you do - well, that's life. Get over it.

Some feedback would be great! =)

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Speak English with an accent; this is how you say “Es no my yob;” this is how you say “My ney María Carmela Jimenez;” this is how you say “my especial son;” this is how to drop out of high school, so that you can work at McDonald’s for the rest of your life; this is how to work at Burger King serving Whoppers with cheese, hold the onions; this is how to work at Wendy’s making crispy chicken sandwiches; this is how to be promiscuous like the prostitute you are so bent on becoming; say “yes” when someone asks you if you are “Spanish;” but I’m not from Spain, and I don’t call an American “English” if he was not born in London; answer the right questions wrong on the Spanish test so that you don’t mess up the curve for the students who are wishing your untimely death before test day; never mind the fact that you’ve never heard of half of the tenses and verb conjugations being taught; to avoid the evil eye, Americanize your Spanish accent when you speak Spanish in class; pronounce your Spanish rr’s like an old station wagon failing to start; pronounce your Spanish o’s like a Southerner singing the E-I-E-I-Oooo part of "Old McDonald;" this is how to hop the border and steal our country’s jobs; but I’m not from Mexico; this is how to hop the border and steal our country’s money to take back to your poverty-ridden country since you are clearly from Mexico; this is how to listen to Reggaeton; make sure the radio you stole is tuned into “La Kalle” 105.9 FM; this is how to dance salsa; this is how to dance merengue; this is how to dance tango; this is how to treat your husband after a long day at the construction site; this is how to treat your husband after a long day mowing lawns; this is how to treat your husband after a long day of mopping floors; this is how to treat your husband’s affair partner; this is how to be an illegal alien; but I was born here and there’s an American flag at my front doorstep; this is how to play fútbol with your brothers who take off their shirts and shout Gooooooooool!!! when their team scores against Brazil; this is how to live in a cramped apartment with Mamá, Papá, Tío, Tía, Abuelo, Abuela, y los hermanos y primos; this is how to use drugs; this is how to deal drugs; this is how to steal money and valuables to pay for those drugs; this is how to call your best male friend Ese or Jefe; be an affirmative action charity case in universities and at the workplace, so that you don’t turn into the fast food place employee you are so bent on becoming; you are too lazy and dumb to become educated or employed at a successful location without meeting a quota; besides, these institutions like to present the illusion of equality; but I put a significant amount of effort into my education; this is how to make up less than 1% of American news stories while representing 13% of the population; watch your news on Telemundo and Univisión; watch Spanish novelas and act flabbergasted when Estefanía’s husband Pablo whom she cheated on with Lucas is in actuality her long lost twin brother; this is how to obey your machista husband; but what if I disagree with something he says?; you mean to say that after all you are really going to be the kind of Hispanic woman who has her own mind?